Today, after 6 months of caring for me during the worst period of my life, my parents are heading back to Wales. The complexity of what I'm feeling, and the urge to look back over the last six months and see just how damn far we've come, has me itching to write again for the first time since January.
Remember a good while ago when I blogged about my experience of being filmed for Macmillan? Well... Here it is in all of its glory, with guest appearances from Woody the dog and my ears (thanks for those genetics, Dad!). Enjoy - is that the right word? https://twitter.com/macmillancancer/status/1083412031154388992
Ever fancied a litmus test for your friendships? Then may I recommend a cancer diagnosis. You'll be surprised, I guarantee it.
Hopefully a relatively short update today just to bring everyone up to speed and to get back into the swing of things. Hah, yeah right.
It might seem like a small victory, but I'm learning that small victories are immensely powerful and transformative when you're facing a long-term battle. Bite-sized wins to perk you up and push you on, whereas the 'big picture' right now can simply feel too overwhelming to deal with
What I am getting my knickers in a twist about that I am constantly wracked with a festering combination of guilt, frustration and resentment about the level of work I have to put in to helping others navigate my current situation. The seemingly endless placating and stroking of bruised feelings. How much of my currently very limited energy, emotion and willpower I'm expending on this shitty game of 4D top trumps that I'd rather be putting into oh, I don't know, literally anything else right now.
Yesterday was quite an exciting (and very tiring!) day, because I had the pleasure of being filmed for a Macmillan advert - fancy or what?!
Today I broke down. I continue to sob as I write this. Sometimes I feel like my mind is renting a small square footage of my body. It has become communal property. Some of the tenants are part of a cooperative to keep it in good condition. Some are saboteurs. But everyone has a say. I want my body back.
It all started with a call from our daughter to say that she might have cancer. At that point our lives changed forever.