Today, after 6 months of caring for me during the worst period of my life, my parents are heading back to Wales. The complexity of what I'm feeling, and the urge to look back over the last six months and see just how damn far we've come, has me itching to write again for the first time since January.
At first it went unnoticed. Silent tendrils of smoke licking at the walls, and small flames creeping their way through each room. By the time it was caught the inferno had a firm grip and was raging uncontrollably, wreaking immeasurable damage throughout the place I called home.
Remember a good while ago when I blogged about my experience of being filmed for Macmillan? Well... Here it is in all of its glory, with guest appearances from Woody the dog and my ears (thanks for those genetics, Dad!). Enjoy - is that the right word? https://twitter.com/macmillancancer/status/1083412031154388992
Perfect flavours to combat that awful chemo mouth which chemotherapy causes. If you fancy giving it a go you can find the recipe here.
UPDATE: Sadly it seems it’s not as clear cut as we thought. In the last blog post I bemoaned the feelings of scanxiety around my first check up PET-CT scan since my chemotherapy began. Well, I'm not worried anymore. We have the results.
This morning I’m attempting to learn how to give myself my daily G-CSF injections (under the careful tutorage of Dr Tracie Miles, sharps extraordinaire). As someone with a phobia of needles, even looking at the damn thing is making me wobbly! But it’s way worse for the orange...
What I am getting my knickers in a twist about that I am constantly wracked with a festering combination of guilt, frustration and resentment about the level of work I have to put in to helping others navigate my current situation. The seemingly endless placating and stroking of bruised feelings. How much of my currently very limited energy, emotion and willpower I'm expending on this shitty game of 4D top trumps that I'd rather be putting into oh, I don't know, literally anything else right now.
Let's start with a game of 'what's currently happening to Ceri's body', shall we? I even have some photos for you.
Yesterday was quite an exciting (and very tiring!) day, because I had the pleasure of being filmed for a Macmillan advert - fancy or what?!
I've not updated, or at least not properly, since I was admitted to hospital on Sunday with neutropenic sepsis. I've been taking my time processing the whole experience. It made the whole situation feel very real, and is actually the first time it hit home that I might actually die from all of this.