UPDATE: Sadly it seems it’s not as clear cut as we thought. In the last blog post I bemoaned the feelings of scanxiety around my first check up PET-CT scan since my chemotherapy began. Well, I'm not worried anymore. We have the results.
What I am getting my knickers in a twist about that I am constantly wracked with a festering combination of guilt, frustration and resentment about the level of work I have to put in to helping others navigate my current situation. The seemingly endless placating and stroking of bruised feelings. How much of my currently very limited energy, emotion and willpower I'm expending on this shitty game of 4D top trumps that I'd rather be putting into oh, I don't know, literally anything else right now.
I promised I wouldn't shy away from the rougher bits of this cancer situation, and so I'm not. I know that I wanted to see what I had in store at the start of the diagnosis, so I'm hoping this will help others. But please be gentle with this one, because I'm feeling very vulnerable about posting these pictures.
I've not updated, or at least not properly, since I was admitted to hospital on Sunday with neutropenic sepsis. I've been taking my time processing the whole experience. It made the whole situation feel very real, and is actually the first time it hit home that I might actually die from all of this.
Today I broke down. I continue to sob as I write this. Sometimes I feel like my mind is renting a small square footage of my body. It has become communal property. Some of the tenants are part of a cooperative to keep it in good condition. Some are saboteurs. But everyone has a say. I want my body back.
Sorry that I didn't update yesterday - between cupcake making in the morning and a post-lunch chemo session in the afternoon, I was pretty wiped by the evening and just fancied a snuggle on the sofa with the dog. There are three things I want to talk about in today's post...
Super short update, because I'm aware this is my third post today (calm your tits, Ceri). My second day of BEACOPP Escalated chemotherapy is over, and it went pretty well. Liquid lunch today involved two bags of Etoposide, two bags of Cyclizine, and some saline solution.