What I am getting my knickers in a twist about that I am constantly wracked with a festering combination of guilt, frustration and resentment about the level of work I have to put in to helping others navigate my current situation. The seemingly endless placating and stroking of bruised feelings. How much of my currently very limited energy, emotion and willpower I'm expending on this shitty game of 4D top trumps that I'd rather be putting into oh, I don't know, literally anything else right now.
Let's start with a game of 'what's currently happening to Ceri's body', shall we? I even have some photos for you.
I promised I wouldn't shy away from the rougher bits of this cancer situation, and so I'm not. I know that I wanted to see what I had in store at the start of the diagnosis, so I'm hoping this will help others. But please be gentle with this one, because I'm feeling very vulnerable about posting these pictures.
I've not updated, or at least not properly, since I was admitted to hospital on Sunday with neutropenic sepsis. I've been taking my time processing the whole experience. It made the whole situation feel very real, and is actually the first time it hit home that I might actually die from all of this.
Today I broke down. I continue to sob as I write this. Sometimes I feel like my mind is renting a small square footage of my body. It has become communal property. Some of the tenants are part of a cooperative to keep it in good condition. Some are saboteurs. But everyone has a say. I want my body back.
LOOK AT MAH BELLEH! Day 1/5 of G-CSF injections done. These are daily home injections to stimulate my white blood cell count. Big shout out to Dr Nick for popping by today to do this, and to mum for being such a diligent documentarian (is that a real word?).
As I write, it's day nine (which, the eagle eyed amongst you will have spotted, means that I start my DIY G-CSF injections today. Fuuuuuuuuuu-), and so time for a recap of day 8. Which, if I'm being honest, was a total bugger of a day.
I've been meaning to do a write up about my PICC line for the last week, but time got away from me a bit as I also started chemotherapy. So, apologies about the delay as this is one of the topics I've received the most questions about!